Why They Get Defensive When You Worry

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When your loved one is acting different, of course you’re going to worry. And because you worry, you’re going to talk to them about it. The problem is, even though you care about them, they just get defensive. They close themself off. Instead of addressing the issue, they deny that there’s a problem at all. 

If a friend or family member gets defensive when you worry, there might be a few reasons for that. Here are some possibilities and what you can do about them. 

You Only Notice When It Inconveniences You 

Okay, take a deep breath. This one’s going to be hard, but it’s important. If you really, truly, want what’s best for your loved one, you need to ask yourself: “When did I start noticing their struggle? Was it when it started impacting them, or when it started impacting me?” And then be brutally honest with yourself about the answer. 

To be absolutely clear, you also matter. We’re not talking about things like abuse, neglect, or taking advantage of others. If your loved one’s behavior is harming you in any way, you need and deserve to set boundaries and get help. 

What we are talking about is when a personal struggle goes unnoticed. 

Imagine somebody experiencing low energy. Nobody notices the early signs of exhaustion. Nobody mentions when this person starts going to bed earlier than usual. Or when they experience health complaints. Or when they don’t have the energy for leisure activities. 

This pattern continues for months, and nobody says anything. But then it starts impacting other people. The person may fall behind on household chores, turn down invitations, or make mistakes at work. And now people are starting to notice. It didn’t seem to matter before, but it does now. It’s understandable that this person would feel invalidated. 

You Picked the Wrong Time to Talk 

It’s not easy to tell a loved one that you’re worried about them. You might have spent hours practicing the right words. But your wording isn’t the only thing you need to think about if you’re about to have a delicate conversation. Timing matters, too. 

Sometimes, when well-meaning people want to have an important discussion, they decide to get it over with as soon as possible. They spring into action the second both parties are available to talk. But just because you’re both technically available doesn’t mean that they’re in the right mindset to hear what you have to say. 

They Feel Betrayed 

Sometimes, an “I’m worried about you” conversation can feel like betrayal. That wasn’t your intention. In fact, your intention was the opposite. You wanted to help. But if you try to be sneaky about this conversation, your loved one may put their defenses up fast. 

For example, let’s say that you ask your friend to meet up for lunch. You want to talk about something important, but you made it sound like you just wanted to have lunch with them. If they were looking forward to spending time with you, and you bring up their change in behavior, they’ll realize you had ulterior motives and may feel betrayed. 

And the happier they were to spend time with you, the more betrayed they’ll feel. To be clear, your motives were good ones, but the pretenses were still false. And next time you invite them to hang out, they may keep their guard up, not wanting to get too excited this time around. 

It’s a tough balance, to be sure. You don’t want them to have their defenses up from the start. But usually, it’s just better to be honest. Better to let them lower their guard on their own terms. That’s not always possible, and you’ll have to decide what your best course of action is. Especially when it comes to something like addiction. But when it is possible, try to use honesty. 

They Wanted to Fix It on Their Own 

This isn’t necessarily something you can control, but it’s still good to know. Your loved one may get defensive if they were hoping to fix the problem on their own. They might have even hoped that they could fix it before anybody else noticed. Once you bring it up, they’ll have to deal with the fact that somebody did notice, and that’s not an easy thing to deal with. 

Especially if they’re usually great at planning and problem-solving. Or if they’ve got a stubborn streak. Or both, because those two traits go together a lot. 

Let me give you an example from my own life. A few years ago, I was floundering in a dead-end job, barely making ends meet. Also, I desperately needed to switch antidepressants, because mine had decided to go on strike. 

Oh, but I had a plan, you see. An organized, step-by-step plan. It was going to be great. In fact, I was excited about it. I found a solution! A viable one! It was brilliant! And THAT’S when a couple of family members decided to tell me that they thought I needed to change things. I got defensive because I was already going to do that! And I couldn’t let them think that I was turning my life around because they told me to do it. 

I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have talked to me. How would they have known I already had a plan? What if I hadn’t had one? But again, it’s something to be prepared for. If your loved one is a stubborn, “type A” sort of person, it might help if you assume they could have a plan. Get curious. You might ask them about it. This way, it might feel more like a collaboration. 

Otherwise, to this sort of person, it can feel like an accusation (e.g., accusing them of NOT having a plan, or not putting time into figuring it out). Is it logical? No. But have you ever met an eldest daughter? Exactly. 

They’re a Perfectionist 

Oh hey, speaking of eldest daughters. Does your loved one have perfectionist tendencies? Because if so, that can also cause defensiveness. 

See, when people expect you to be perfect, you get really good at covering up your imperfections. By explaining that you’re worried about them, you’ve pointed out an “imperfection” that they’ve failed to cover up. They were imperfect, and somebody noticed. That’s devastating. 

If your friend is a perfectionist, keep that in mind when you talk to them. Frame the conversation in terms of how the problem is impacting them, not how the problem is making them “fail.” 

They Feel Judged 

A lot of mental illnesses make people feel guilty. Often for no reason. And when people feel guilty, they get defensive. Even the most well-intentioned conversations can feel like judgment, because when you feel guilty, you subconsciously believe that judgment is what you deserve. 

A lot of this is unavoidable, but there are some things that you could do to make it easier. First, remember the thing about timing. If the person is already feeling judged, now might not be the best time for this conversation. 

Second, emphasize what they are going through, not what they’re doing “wrong.” For example, if your kid isn’t turning in their homework, the homework is probably secondary to a larger issue. Instead of focusing on the homework, tell your kid that you’re worried because they seem exhausted and overwhelmed. This way, you focus on them instead of their performance. 

This isn’t a one-size-fits all thing. There are exceptions. For instance, if you’re setting boundaries, you’ll want the other person to know how they’ve been hurting you. 

But overall, worry heightens other emotions. It makes it tough to avoid bringing up grievances, even when those grievances are better saved for another time. If you truly just want to express how worried you are and how much you care, then only express those things. 

Their Illness Causes Defensiveness 

This is another unavoidable one, but like the others, it’s good to know about. Some mental health issues just cause defensiveness. Anger, mood swings, and paranoia are symptoms of several mental illnesses. Fortunately, treatment can alleviate these symptoms. But in the meantime, this is something you may need to prepare for. 

Final Thoughts 

If your loved one’s defensiveness is more than just defensiveness – i.e. if it’s anger that has turned into physical or emotional abuse – you need to put your own safety first. Don’t start a conversation if you feel it might put you in danger. Contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline for support and to learn how to move forward.